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My struggle with my body began when I was 16, at least consciously. I had been a competitive gymnast and stopped competing at the age of 15 (because what teenager wants to spend all of their free time working out at the gym). As a child and young teen, I never worried about what I ate, or when, or how much, or what nutrients my body needed. I just ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and enjoyed it. And then, something changed.
Of course I felt the same pressures as all teens, to conform to the body image of celebrities and be the perfect size. That was never a problem for me as a gymnast, but naturally when I stopped competing my body changed- I gained weight, my boobs grew, my hips suddenly started shifting to be wider, my stomach was no longer flat and tight, and my thighs rubbed together- none of that felt normal. I secretly was spending my nights on the internet reading about “easy ways to flatten your stomach” and was doing workouts like Shawn T’s Hip Hop abs (if he was good enough for Nsync, he’s got to be good for me too!), running at night, and generally being unhappy about working out at all. I graduated high school and started school at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo in the Fall.
Now, Cal Poly has an amazing orientation program called Week of Welcome. Not only do they spend an entire week orienting you with the campus, your community, and new home for the next 4 years, they do a spectacular awareness series. The awareness series focuses on many areas that confront college aged students such as drinking, depression, inclusiveness, and eating disorders. For me- that awareness series did something strange, not what it was intended to do. Every mention of health, healthy eating, body image, unhealthy habits, the “pressure to look like a ‘Poly Dolly’ ”….ALL of it suddenly felt like things I NEEDED to do. If I did not follow exactly what I was told was healthy, if I did not give my body exactly the right food and exercise the exact right amount, I would gain weight and be huge and fat and ugly. I was having thoughts like “I haven’t eaten in 8 hours, Oh My God, that’s a sign of anorexia, I NEED TO EAT!” even though my body was not hungry and I was receiving no signals at all that I should consume more food.
So began my obsession. I did not know it was an obsession, I did not know I had such an issue with my body and the way I felt about it. I did not know how much pressure I began to put on myself to begin to conform to what I was told was the right thing to do for ‘health’ and how much extra weight that put into my consciousness. I did not realize that searching and asking for what worked for other people to lose weight, or feel good, was the exact wrong thing to do. I never once stopped and asked myself “What do I want?” or “What does my body need right now?” But I sure as hell did a lot of: “My body needs more fruit today because I had a donut for breakfast! Why did I eat that donut? Oh shit, now I have to run after work, and only eat salad. No more carbs today. That had to be at least 450 calories in one little donut, it wasn’t even that good. Oh no I cannot have Taco Bell for lunch even though that is all that sounds good to my body right now. Nope, have to force myself to eat this nasty kale that I don’t even like the taste of because that’s a super food!”…you get the point. My mind was constantly focused on thoughts surrounding my body or food.
I am sure this sounds familiar to you. I could go on and on about it, drone on for pages and pages of stories about my struggle- but I am done with that. There is no need to relive that, because something miraculous happened, and it can happen for you too.
I graduated college, started working, and gained a bit more weight. At one point, I did the Beach Body Ultimate Reset. I must have been about 22 at the time. This program is designed to slowly remove meat, dairy, and wheat from your diet over 21 days, and then slowly add them back in to see how your body responds over another 21 days. A wonderful concept and program if you are in the right mental state to do it…I went in to it wanting to lose inches and pounds. Not the goal of the program, though definitely a positive side effect when followed correctly. It was a ‘huge success’ for me, I lost a total of 16 pounds and didn’t gain it back right away. But it did nothing for my mental state, how I thought about food, or change anything in what I expressed above in my obsessive thinking. In other words, it did not address the cause of my weight issues or body problems.
The craziness of my thinking continued, and shortly after I found my Spiritual path. My focus did shift some, and I was no longer stepping on a scale all the time. But the thoughts were all still there, and the feelings they brought with them. In April 2016, I stepped on the scale for the first time in what must have been a year, and was SHOCKED to see the number staring back at me. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!? Yes my pants didn’t fit anymore…yes I knew I couldn’t fit into my favorite dress anymore…but I couldn’t even fathom I was carrying so much weight. So how do I respond? How most people do. I started internally beating myself up, over and over, day after day.
As the days went on, I literally felt heavier and heavier. I wanted to hide in my clothes, not let anyone see my body for how large it had gotten. Walking down the street I would think “I am so fat, look he noticed I’m fat! Oh she is looking too, ah now she knows I’m fat.” Or “Oh look, that person is actually fat, I am not fat, that must be hard for them. At least I’m not that big, lets be easier on myself. I am the right size!” Neither of which were helpful in anyway. I was also telling myself things like “It took years to gain the weight, its got to take twice as long to lose it.” (Insane! Literally that is an insane thought.)
Several times I made the internal statement “I am going to take care of myself and my body.” And I would…for a couple days. But it never lasted.
On July 3, 2016 I decided enough was enough. I had just had to go shopping for new shorts because none of the ones I owned fit anymore. My husband (he was my boyfriend at the time) and I took his little sister to Universal Studios for the day and I will never forget it. The entire day, I hated the way I felt. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, dreaded the photos being taken, felt like every little kid was staring at me because I was fat, and envied every young pretty girl in their stylish clothes that flattered their body perfectly. For a super fun day at an amusement park, it was an awful day for me.
On the drive back home, I decided something huge. I did not want to feel like that anymore. I said to my husband “I am going to start taking care of myself, really caring for me.” And internally a thought arose “I easily and effortlessly lose weight.” I liked the sound of that a whole lot!
Now come the miracles.
It didn’t happen overnight. 45 pounds did not just disappear suddenly. But it did feel like magic. When those old thoughts started coming up, the crazy train of how I talked to myself about food and my body, I responded differently. Instead of letting the train go full force for what felt like days, I’d see the train coming and instead just repeat to myself “I easily and effortlessly lose weight.” Over and over. And the train would derail.
Then, my body started doing weird stuff. Things that often we think are symptoms of being ill and unhealthy. Somewhere within me, I felt deeply that my body needed to go through this. It was naturally re-balancing and restoring itself back to its proper health. I didn’t really know it consciously, but in reflection I know that is what occurred.
So my focus was on one small thing- “I easily and effortlessly lose weight” and that was my response to every and any thought regarding food or my body. And as my body went through the motions and changes, I was in an open state of allowance and acceptance that this is exactly what my body needs in this given moment.
My appetite was the first thing I noticed to change. I literally could not consume as much food as I used to. I was starting to eat over the course of one day the amount of food I used to eat in one meal (I was seriously over eating). The foods I craved changed too. I wanted watermelon and strawberries instead of Wendys and McDonalds (my taco bell cravings never went away, more on that later). I wanted steak and broccoli instead of ordering a pizza. Naturally, without any force from my part, my only focus was ‘I easily and effortlessly lose weight.’
Next came the portion of this journey the standards of the world would deem unhealthy. I went through 2-3 months where every couple of weeks, I just couldn’t eat at all for a day or more. I would try. And then throw it up. It was inconsistent, happened crazy randomly, and never seemed to be caused by the same foods. Again, I trusted the process and just let my body do what it needed to do. But still told myself ‘I easily and effortlessly lose weight.’
In October 2016, people started mentioning it looked like I was losing weight. “I am?” I thought to myself. Sure, I had been saying that little mantra over and over, and my clothes felt a little looser, but I don’t think I actually lost any weight. My body, for the most part, felt the same. I thought it looked the same too, it did to me. So I stepped on a scale- and was shocked again at the number I saw, I had lost weight!!!!!
This is when I recognized what was happening. A huge shift happened back in July. Not in my habits, not in my diet, not in my exercise plan. It happened in my mind. I made the conscious decision that I was done feeling unhappy about my body. I was done feeling the way I felt and from that moment forward, I was going to choose to feel differently. I had done this plenty with other things in my life since I began my spiritual path, but I kept the body and food in its own bubble, not following the same rules as the rest of my life. Food and the body MUST follow the rules of the world, that's what I was taught, what we are all taught. But when I chose to no longer want to feel that way about my body and food, I pulled those two ideas into the same realm as all ideas- just a thought. Just a concept. And what you believe to be true about those ideas and concepts will be true for you.
I stopped believing in what the world told me was true about food, and health, and my body. I stopped investing my power in what was outside of me and started investing it in my Self. With the single decision to want to feel differently about my body, my body said YES. I, my mind, my thinking, didn’t need to do anything. My body knew exactly what it needed, when it needed it, and how much without me needing to determine it. But I did need to learn to listen to it.
For years I had been ignoring my body. Now not by the standards of the world, not at all. But it was neglected and had not been heard for a very long time. I was ignoring what my body was trying to tell me. And I had silently given it permission to take the lead as I chose to not give power to the insane thoughts I held about food and instead focus on ‘I easily and effortlessly lose weight.’
My mind was no longer consumed by thoughts of food all day long. I was not spending endless hours deciding what to eat based off what I had eaten prior to that. I wasn’t counting calories. I wasn’t stepping on a scale every day. Food was no longer a focus, and it happened naturally on its own.
I was eating what I wanted anytime I wanted. And I mean that to the fullest extent. My friends and family know, I am OBSESSED with taco bell. Not an exaggeration, I ate it everyday. And I have the credit card statements to prove it. (Hold on, going to go get some nachos…). But there was a profound difference in the way I consumed taco bell and all food before July 3, 2016 and after that day.
Before that day, I was filled with terrible, negative feelings surrounding taco bell. Despite how much I LOVED it, I told myself it was bad for me. Its unhealthy. Hours before buying it, I would do the mental gymnastics of why its okay to eat taco bell today, because I had a salad for dinner and will go running after work. Then while eating it, I wouldn’t even enjoy it because I would instantly be filled with fear over how many calories it had, and how greasy it was, and how terrible it was for my body. After I was done eating, I would feel guilty all day about eating it, and tell myself my body wont be able to burn off all those extra calories.
After July 3, 2016 it was an entirely different experience. My body would prompt me that it was time to eat. A grumble in the tummy, or just a general nudge from somewhere within it was time to enjoy some food. And I’d ask myself “what do I want to eat right now?” And let me tell you, Taco Bell was the answer 90% of the time! So I’d say “OKAY! Taco bell it is!” and go. I’d order whatever sounded good when I got there, but on the way there I was not consumed with all those ridiculous thoughts about it being bad for me, or unhealthy. If they did creep up, which they did, I’d say something to myself like “the food I am about to enjoy is exactly what my body needs and wants right now, regardless of what the world tells me about it.” Or “My body easily digests and absorbs all the nutrients it needs from this meal and will dispose of anything I do not need.” Then as I was eating the food, something even more amazing occurred, I actually enjoyed the food! The taste, the smell, every little bite. And when I was done eating the food, I was done with the food. The guilty thoughts that used to come up were seemingly gone. Since I wasn’t creating all the turmoil around the food before I even started to consume it, and was actually enjoying eating the food, there was nothing to feel guilty about!
Seeing how successful this was for me in just a few months, I kept doing it. I did not change a single thing in my daily routine. I did not add exercise in, I did not follow a strict diet. All I did was focus on my thoughts surrounding food, how my body processed food, and how I felt.
The next time I stepped on the scale was in December, and I was still losing weight. I was finally feeling like Melissa again! And just kept going down the same path. March comes around, step on a scale, down some more. As I write this, I am the same weight I was as a competitive gymnast- and I am certainly not spending 20+ hours a week at the gym.
It was easy. It was effortless. It took no hard work, and my body knew exactly what to do. I just had to stop fighting it!! I had to stop trying to tell my body what it needed to eat based off someone else’s idea of nutrition and health. I had to stop trying to tell my body when to eat based off the idea the body needs 3 meals a day. I had to stop carrying these thoughts surrounding food with me, because they were literally weighing me down. Melissa had to stop. My body needed to take the drivers seat again, the seat it had when I was child.
“Wishful thinking” is a phrase I heard a lot growing up. Always in connection to something I wanted to have happen, but that was ‘impossible’ or ‘too good to be true’ or ‘will just never happen.’ Well, something in me never listened to all of that. I knew ‘wishful thinking’ to be more powerful than any limitation I was told existed in the world. Not because I can sit here and logically rationalize with you how it works, but because of the experiences created with it.
You don’t need to work out everyday to change your body. You don’t need to eat the perfectly balanced meal to lose weight. You don’t need to force yourself to eat food you despise and give up the foods you love. The only thing that needs to change to see change in your body is your thinking.
So, how do we do that? How do we drastically change everything we think about food and how it relates to the body when there is so much “evidence” and science showing us otherwise? It starts with how you feel. Forget about everything else! How do you feel about your body? How do you feel about food? And this takes radical self honesty. I don’t mean to beat yourself up about the food you eat or how you perceive your body, but to be fully honest with yourself about the way you think about each of those individually. What does food mean to you? And what sort of thoughts surround your body on a daily basis?
That’s my story. And I am here to share it with the world, with you. Join our 22 day program and begin this amazing journey for yourself!